PH33R Meh!
by IamtheWalrus
Summary: Hey, a new chapter so soon. Mary Sue won't date Harry, he is depressed...
1. Introduction to destruction

Bored am I, write I shall. Man, am I feeling spiteful tonight...Rated for a poorly written sex scene that I will write later, and adult language.

Disclaimer: No character's are mine except for the one that is. I'm sure you can point her out from the ones that belong to Mrs. Rowling. I like Dr. Pepper.

"I'm going to Hogwarts, I'm going to Hogwarts!!!1!!!!11!!!" Michelle Kikyo Serenity-Rose Delacour-Lupin-Black-Pettigrew-Fudge-Hagrid-Ravenclaw-Figg-WTF was pleased. She had just recieved her letter of acceptance into Hogwarts, the best fucking school EVAR!!!!

She was on the train, and "accidentally" stepped into a compartment where there sat three people, two who we don't care about, but the third was teh sex. He had intelligent gorgeous emerald green leprachaun eyes, and untidy ebony locks the color of the backest night that glittered in the redlight of the setting sun.

Harry looked at Michelle with lustful eyes which is completely out of character, but who gives a fuck about canon right? The original books are written with the idea that children as young as 8 are reading them, but canon rape is fun, and will suit the story better, so yes, Harry is full of teh lust.

It would be hard for any self-respecting young man not to be full of lust for Michelle. She had long flowing locks of gold that tapered down to her petite waist, and eyes the color of the blue-corn moon(can you sing with all the voices of the wind?), and full pouty red lips. She was wear black from head to toe, and punk rock jewelry that she bought at her local Hot Topic. It was obvious she was punk the way she listened to anything that is played on MTV. Nevermind the fact that this is England. My story, fuck you.

The interloper said nothing as she starred into Harry's eyes. Suddenly behind her, Draco Malfoy appeared.

"Hello Potty, you...." His went breathless at the sight of Michelle. Michelle eyed him angrily.

"I think you oughta leave." She said.

"Whatever you say, my sweet." Draco left, and Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Michelle all became best of friends.

At Hogwarts

The feast had begun.

"So Michelle, tell us about your self." All the Gryffindor boys were starring at her. Hell, all the boys in the Great Hall were. Michelle even thought she saw Snape, Dumbledore, McGonagall, and Moody(who I brought back for the hell of it) eyeing her.

"Well my name is Michelle Kikyo Serenity-Rose Delacour-Lupin-Black-Pettigrew-Fudge-Hagrid-Ravenclaw-Figg-WTF, and I am half werewolf, half elf, half angel, half leprechaun, half Cherokee Indian, half fairy, and half mystical magical fury. Never mind that that is fully impossible. I'm a descendent of the greek god and goddess Hades and Persephone. I can do wandless magic, my eyes shift colors according to my mood, I can produce a unicorn patronus(something I have done since age of 6) that at first is a regular silver color, but if you look close enough you can see a shimmering sparkling golden aura about it, my parents died at the hands of Lord Voldemort whose name I speak out loud even though everyone else is a afraid to because I'm not afraid. I fought him once, but then I hit him with a love spell without using my wand that I would hoped would make him love muggles, but instead now he just loves me, and I have to be careful because he keeps trying to kidnap me, and make me his dark queen. Yes, I am fully aware that I can't be past the age of 17 and that makes him around 50 years my senior, but hell, I'd shag Dumbledore if it came down to it. Oh, and I am actually a princess that was living in America, but got transfered here when my powers were shown late at the age of 15, and even though that is a plot device thats supposed to make you amazed at how cool I am, I am aware that in the real world a situation like that is mocked, and technically makes me a retard, but I don't use the word retard, thats politically incorrect, and I'm so smart and the tops of all my classes, that I'm always correct so I just say slow people." Michelle finished.

"You're bloody brilliant." Ron said just like in the movies.

"Will you date me?" Bill Weasly and asked.

"I'm sorry Bill, who isn't at shcool anymore, but from the way I imagined you in the books I think you're hot so I'll put you here anyway. I can't possibly date you. That would be putting you at risk since Voldemort would kill you, and I am valiant like that."

"Ms. Delacour-Lupin-Black-Pettigrew-Fudge-Hagrid-Ravenclaw-Figg-WTF, I need to speak to you alone for a moment to discuss your situation." Snape stated calmly making everyone in the vicinity jump as they all had no idea he had been standing behind them.

"What the fucking hell?!!! You know what, Fuck you Snape, I don't like your attitude!!!11!!! STOP PLAYING WITH YOUR SICK ARSE(thats british for ass) COCONUTS!! FUCK, SHIT, HELL DAMN, FUCKITY FUCK YOU!!! YOUR MOTHER WAS A HAMSTER AND YOUR FATHER SMELLED OF ELDERBERRIES, YOU DEATH EATER....BAKA(thats japanese for idiot)!!!!" a surprised gasp followed said statement. No one could believe anyone would dare speak to Snape like that.

"You are, like, so mean!!!!" Snape ran away to the dungeons, crying.

"Wow, I can see we're going to get along just fine...." Harry said grinning at her appreciatively. She looked back at him with wet stars glittering in her eyes.

I amuse myself sometimes. Nothing like a kickass Mary Sue parody to end your night....


	2. Old VoldyMoldy Won't have Meh!

Am I ever so sorry, I tried to make a few chages and ended up deleting the story. Ok, well this is it now, I hope you people who read the other one under a different title are able to find this one alright.

As for the story....Wow....I got a few good reviews. Four isn't alot, but it's more then I expected. Cool. Well, um, I'm 15 almost 16 to answer the question of my age. I'm really glad you all liked it, and I'm sorry about the typos. I noticed them too, but I seem to be having trouble editing, so please just bear with me. And I'm too young to be bearing anyones children right now, sorry. Out of sheer boredom, I present to you the next update...only a day after the story's original post, aren't I great? Or maybe it's because I'm stuck babysitting on a Firday night....either way, tada.

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Michelle Kikyo Serenity-Rose Delacour-Lupin-Black-Pettigrew-Fudge-Hagrid-Ravenclaw-Figg-WTF was sitting at a table in the Gryffindor common room. She had been sorted into Gryffindor house by the sorting hat who had said that she possessed all of the qualities needed to be in Gryffindor. The sorting hat had said that she was beautiful, courageous, intelligent, and would one day be with her true love who the hat knew was in Gryffindor, which is simply amazing since I didn't know the sorting hat could see into the future. Michelle sat, petting her silvery ice pheonix named Simperianna-Ellanora Sabrina Jackson. Harry walked over to Michelle, his heart beating wildly.

"Michelle, will you go out with me, and maybe then we can fuck?" Harry asked, once again completely out of character.

"Harry, you know I'd love to fuck you, but I can't risk you getting killed by Voldemort because of me." Michelle said with tears of sadness in her aquamarine eyes.

"But, that doesn't make any sense, everyone knows that Voldemort is trying to kill me anyway, so that excuse shouldn't work." Harry said, feeling his world crash around him.

"Harry, I'm doing this for your sake, can't you see that?!" Michelle ran off crying to her own bedroom upstairs, which she got since she is so super special. Her bedroom was dark purple, and the floor was a big swirl of black and white. She had Nightmare before Christmas posters all over her walls because she is teh gawth.

Harry sat down in one of the comfy seats near the fire, crying and wondering why his life was so horrific. He was just contemplating suicide when suddenly the portrait hole opened, and in stepped Snape. He looked around before he noticed Harry, and walked over to him.

"Harry, are you alright? You're crying, what's wrong?" Snape asked as he put his arm around Harry's shoulder. Harry looked at Snape contemplating wether or not he should tell Snape that he was seriously considering ending his own life.

"No, I'm fine." Harry said wiping away the tears.

"Ok, bye, then." Snape walked out, and back down to the dungeons.

End of scene that had no point.

Quidditch Tryouts-

"Alright everyone, as you all know, due to the tragic death of one of our chasers, we will be holding tryouts for a new one. We'll go down the list and watch you one by one, then I'll make the decision. Alright then, when I call your name please step forward. Michelle Kikyo Serenity-Rose Delacour-Lupin-Black-Pettigrew-Fudge-Hagrid-Ravenclaw-Figg-WTF, please step forward." Angelina called out. Michelle walked over to Angelina, and was preparing to mount her broom when Angelina held her arm out, to stop her.

"Brilliant...that was absolutely wonderful. You are our new chaser." Angelina looked at Michelle with teh lust in her eyes.

"But I haven't even flown yet." Michelle protested.

"Does anyone object to Michelle being our new chaser?" Angelina called out to the other Gryffindors who had been there to tryout for the chaser position. No one said anything. They were all too busy watching Michelle with teh lust in their eyes.

"Three cheers for our new chaser!" Angelina said joyously to which everyone clapped and cheered.

Later that night in the Great Hall-

"Congradulations on getting on the quidditch team, Michelle. That was bloody brilliant!" Ron said looking at Michelle with teh lust in his eyes.

"Who are you?" Michelle said confusedly.

Suddenly, the doors of the Great Hall swung open. In marched a hundred Death Eaters led by Lord Voldemort. Does it really matter, that this is something that could never _ever_ happen? I think not!

"I am here for my queen." Voldemort cried imperiously. "If I do not have her within the minute, I'll make like a pirate and kick a few faces in."

"You can never have me! Take this!" Michelle kicked Voldemort in the groin(does he even have one anymore?), and he fell over in pain. Michelle then followed that up with a few back-hand springs down the table aisles.

"I'll be back! And you will be mine!!! Mwah ha ha ha aha ahha hahhah ahhahaha ahhahahhahaHAHAHAHAHA!!11!1!1!!!!!" Voldemort laughed insanely. He followed up his evil laughter with a few chuckles, then he and all of his Death Eaters left the room.

"No wonder you're in Gryffindor, I've never seen anyone so brave!" Dumbledore said. As it turns out he and his staff had just sat back, and watched the entire scene without doing anything. Michelle excepted the comment, but couldn't help but notice Dumbledore was eyeing her curves. Let's bear in mind the fact that Dumbledore is probably 30 or so years Voldemort's senior, making him round about 80 years older then Michelle, but thankfully, logical isn't needed in this story.

"That was bloody brilliant!" Ron said yet again.

"Who the fucking hell are you?" Michelle asked again.

A/N- Sorry again about the problem. This chapter isn't as good as the first, I don't think, but it'll get better, I swear. Oh, and sorry it's so short, but if you want fast updates, it's going to have to be like that for a while.


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